Changing the Direction of My Arrows

“Carla, don’t worry, you will be fine” said my friend. Fine…that’s just….fine.

Right. I know I will be fine. I know I can have a 9-5, a life and be fine. And fine is OK.

But OK is not the way I want to live. I want to live fantastically.

I want the things that really matter: a job I am passionate about, friends and family I care deeply for and a community online and off I can thrive in and make better.

Ok, Carla – cut the crap.

I’m a self-diagnosed YSWFITC. Yes, a Young Single White Female In The City. I’m 22 and I have a direction. Not a path; no defined, carved goals. I have ideas and grand schemes lined up in my head and scribbled on notebook paper stuffed into my purse. I have piles of business books, self-help books and trashy romance novels to help navigate through early-twenty something life. As much as I want the books to spell out my post-grad life, I still haven’t found the chapter entitled “Carla’s Post-Grad Life Choices Defined” (still searching, FYI).

It’s as if everyday I have arrows directing me, pushing me closer to where I want to be – my direction. I truthfully just don’t know where to start.

Lucky these arrows have already pointed me to be a part of the group blog Life Before Noon. In February 2008, when I became one of Life Before Noon’s founding team members, I didn’t realize that blogging-and the involvement in the online community-would be such a large part of who I am.

Blogging and being a part of an online community made me deeply and truthfully believe in myself. That the introverted, follow-the rule student, friend and daughter could be a little different. It made me believe that I could be an individual with valuable opinions who is an integral part of a community.

Through LBN and Brazen I have learned how to be a teammate and a leader at the same time. Blogging, and most importantly the community, has given me confidence to follow my direction. To speak up, take more risks, and be passionate. That as an individual part of a community, together we can make a difference.

Most importantly, blogging made me realize in something bigger than myself – in the value of connecting to build relationships. Blogging has given me relationship equity with some of the most intelligent people. Blogging has been such a postive influence in my life that I constantly encourage my friends to start their own blog.

But it’s not over. My blogging journey and my relationship with you, the reader, commenter, fellow blogger is just beginning. I truly believe that it is through our relationship and involvement in the community that we will be able to live fantastically.

Blogging made me realize that I can control my arrows. Let’s see where they point next.

-Carla

This post was entered in the Brazen Careerist SXSW Contest.

A Life Full of Maybes

It’s funny.

I started out writing a post about how people are never who they say they are or who they think they are and while I was thinking of clear cut examples, I realized something — maybe  it all boils down to me.

I would describe myself as a friendly, caring, sarcastic girl. My friends would say that I’m funny and strange. My family would say I’m moody and closed-off.

Maybe I’m not who I think I am.

My relationships with the opposite sex end fairly soon after they start, if you can call them relationships in the first place.

Take him for example.

We met on a Thursday night. I had been dancing, singing, living the dream really all night with my roommates and then he came along.

He was cute, outgoing and looking to have a great time. I renewed my crush on him every time I saw him, a crush since sophomore year, and reiterated the same thought to my roommate every time we saw him, “Man, he’s cute, do you know if he’s dating anyone?”

That night I danced with him, with a little help from my roommate who steered him my way. But, hey, I still danced with him. It wasn’t until that weekend that something started between us. There was the friendship request on Facebook, exchanging of phone numbers and then text messages of funny things that had happened.

In the two weeks before the semester ended we went to dinner, watched movies, talked, wished each other luck with finals and papers, went dancing and were together, in such an easy way that we weren’t “officially” together, but it didn’t matter.

He would hold my hand or put his arm around me when we were out together. He introduced me to his roommates, to his neighbors, to his friends. When I wasn’t with him people asked me where he was. It was a nice feeling. It was a new feeling.

Winter break was longer than usual that year. But I got through it with gchat, text messaging and making plans to go skiing when we’re back at school. I even spent most of my New Years on the phone with him and his best friends. I didn’t care. I was happy doing just that. I couldn’t wait to go back.

Even though we weren’t talking as much when we were back at school, I pushed that aside and was grateful for whenever we would get together, for when we would talk. A feeling was nagging me that something wasn’t the same, but I ignored it. I didn’t care.

This is the guy I danced with. He’s the same guy that practically became our fifth roommate. What could change?

Then things progressively started getting worse and worse. Less talking, more time spent with the guys, less with me. It was a Thursday night when I realized it was over.

He wasn’t dancing with me, but other people. My presence was ignored and instead of handling it like a big girl, I broke down. What I kept denying, I was now seeing with my own eyes.

We had changed. We wanted different things. He wanted to have a good time but I needed something more.  I was devastated. I thought that this was it. Not it as in marriage, but it as in a relationship, as in a boyfriend, as in finally something serious happening in my life — not just another passing fancy.

But, reflecting on it now, it’s what happens every time I meet someone new. I revel in how smart, witty and fantastic they are, until, a few days, weeks, months pass and I’m in the same situation again — alone

Maybe they aren’t who I think they are.

As I was reading my current journal from beginning until about ¾ in, I realized that my life is the same, give or take a few people.

Maybe, I know who I am but have a hard time admitting it.

Maybe I realize that I’m making the same choices with men and my friends and family. And, maybe,  as I try to balance my life, I’m realizing just how much I’m not changing; how the person I believe I am isn’t the same person that everyone else knows.

Deep down inside you know that you have some not-so-great attributes, but sometimes certain things are easier to broadcast than others, like your love for animals vs. your inability to speak to people when you’re angry.

I don’t know where to even begin. I guess I’ve achieved the first step — acceptance.

So where to go from here?

I’m not sure exactly. But, for the first time in my life, I’m going to give it a real try. A real chance to change the girl that I think I am into being that girl.

As far as him, what I feared the most of course happened. I wanted us to stay friends, to still talk, laugh, have a good time. The last time I talked to him was in March and it hurts every time I think about it. I thought that graduating and moving 3,000 some miles away would make me get over him, but it hasn’t.

I miss him and his dumb sayings and his smile and his enthusiasm. I wish I could have changed how I felt, that I hadn’t wanted a relationship, but I can’t and I couldn’t then. I knew what I wanted, but it wasn’t good timing, maybe he wasn’t the right person.

I don’t regret him — I only miss him.

-Aida

Learn to Gracefully Take Criticism

I’ve always wanted to have grace, especially under pressure. I want to be a person that can keep a cool head and glide through stressful situations and criticism. As a clumsy child, teenager, and now adult, physical grace has never been a descriptor for me. I bumble in heels, occasionally misbutton my sweater and often spill drinks.

Despite these circumstances, I thought I might be able to achieve grace in my workplace manners. But, it’s not that easy, especially when cold, harsh criticism is being hurled at you from all sides.

There isn’t a particular instance that sticks out in my mind more than others, but it seems that some days I can’t get anything right and it just so happens to be the days everyone’s paying attention. So, when the criticisms come my way, I want to be able to slap a charming smile on my face and get through it, becoming an infinitely better researcher/writer/editor/employee. Instead, while they’re saying “This document doesn’t really highlight the proper expertise and is off-case. Why is this even on here?” I might be on the verge of tears and dying to crawl under my desk, because all I hear is “You suck, you suck, you really suck.” My efforts of achieving my workplace confidence have clearly not come to fruition.

Grace in the face of criticism is hard. Why? Because sometimes people forget that you have feelings, or worse, they just don’t care.

But, how you react to this criticism says a lot about who you are, and I certainly don’t want to be the girl under my desk. So, how do you learn to take criticism with grace, even when it’s everything but constructive?

• Avoid getting defensive. The worst thing you can do is start rattling off excuses why the assignment wasn’t done correctly/on time/etc. But in the end, your excuses don’t matter and immediately jumping on the defense leaves a bad impression.
• Don’t get caught up in the blame game. This goes hand-in-hand with not getting defensive. Even if it was your colleagues fault, that’s a lesson for you to learn and take with you, but blaming others draws attention to your own insecurities.
• Figure out how to walk the thin lines. So, Manager A likes green, square bullet points, but Manager B doesn’t and Manager C prefers no bullet points at all. There’s got to be a way to navigate nuances and come up with something that appeases everyone, even if you don’t quite understand the issues. At the very least, there has got to be a way to compromise and you need to find it, or at least offer to give it a try.
• Grin and bear it. When people have bad days, that negative energy sometimes gets directed at the wrong people, and it could easily be you. Receiving the brunt of someone’s rage about a project isn’t fun, but sometimes it’s better to just deal than have any reaction at all. File away the comments for later, but try to forget the passive aggressive hits.

I doubt I’ll ever be an expert in high heels or stop spilling things on my clothes, but I think if I keep these tips in mind I’ll at least be able to handle criticism with grace.

-Rachel